"Hands, is it worth my work?
If it's not with Your eyes, what is it worth?
Love, is it worth my time?
Cause if it's not with Your heart, it's from my mind."
-Kye Kye "Introduce Myself"
My checking account overdrew yesterday. It's the same story of trying to strategically plan my payments to clear the same day my direct deposit drops into my account. Living as a professional commuter makes this difficult sometimes. But, nothing is forever. And I get paid weekly. So it could always be worse.
As I sat in my car on my lunch break trying to figure out how to make it to Friday with $10 in my wallet, all I could think was I could make it work by spending $2 on my lunch and use the remaining 8 to buy enough gas to get me home from work on Thursday night. As I was leaving work later that afternoon, I took a different loop around the mall than I normally do. Stop. Yield. Go. Repeat.
And then I saw her standing on the corner at the stoplight.
She put her head down and looked at her cardboard sign; a look that revealed the shame she felt that she would have to beg. Her sign said she and her child were in need.
I caught a glimpse at the very moment her head sunk to her chest. She put her lips together as if to hold back tears, the same ones she's been holding in the entire time she's been standing there.
I felt like someone punched me in the stomach. Here I am wondering how to make it with $8 and she is trying to figure out how to make it with zero. The light turned green, and my car, fourth in line, proceeded to turn left. As my car passed her, it took less than the blink of my eye to feel the tug on my heart to turn back. I turned left and pulled a U at the next light.
My car stopped suddenly, half in the bike line, half in the lane of traffic. I flipped on my emergency lights and jumped out. My door slammed behind me and I just started running up the grassy hill to get to her. Why was I running? My car would still be there. She would still be there.
But I ran. And it was as if I was running toward my own brokenness.
She was startled by my sudden appearance in front of her. But I handed her the $8 I had and apologized that I didn't have more. I grabbed her right arm and told her to take care of herself even though it's hard. She told me God bless. And then I ran back.
The breeze was blowing so hard I didn't think I would make it back in one piece. It was as if God had come down in a rushing wind to sweep away the worry that should have gripped me in that moment.
I hopped back in my car and pulled away at a speed that felt much slower than it was moving.
And I just cried.
When will I see that I've never been in want for what I need?
When will I stop desiring more when God tells me He's enough?
When will I see that I am only called to give what I already have?
I desire more to give more. But does God call me to use a spiritual gift that He has not bestowed upon me?
He asks for what I have. Not for what I will have. Not for what I wish I had. What I have now.
Sometimes living in the present and fully alive isn't about feeling God's hand in it.
Sometimes it's about making the sacrifice you don't think you can and trusting that you've done all your human spirit is capable of doing.
And in this, you will find that it's not even by your own spirit you could do it. It is the Spirit of Christ that dwells within.