Changing of the Seasons....

"And I didn't know who I really was, that I'd been locked up just because.
I didn't know what freedom was, but now I do."

-The Colorful Quiet "I Didn't Know"

A lot has changed in 9 months. Especially the last 4. And especially the last one.

Spring has finally sprung and there are no words for me to describe this feeling I have. I have been waiting for this Season since June and God has so faithfully carried me when I needed and guided me when I was running circles around my guilt. In the last month, there hasn't been a day that's gone by where I didn't stop suddenly and just beam. Because I am exactly where I'm supposed to be doing exactly what I'm supposed to be and able to become the woman God has destined me to be.

I have an incredible job with amazing people that I absolutely love - and I get to do it living in a place that I am in love with. In the words of one of my associates, "Shannon, you're in a city you're obsessed with." I do love it here, but I think no matter where I have lived or will live, I go out and explore. It's what I love doing. I'm meeting new people every week without limitation. When I think about the fact that I may have been at a different life stage, getting ready to spend the rest of my life with someone - I can't imagine being there right now. I am still soaking up the sunshine on my days off, dreaming, growing, hoping, praying, trusting, and surrendering. Every step I have ever taken has been guided and overseen by the Divine Creator. When I get scared or ask why or wonder what is next, He gently reminds me that if I knew all that is to come I would miss out on the joys of now. There is something beautiful about being fully present in the present.

All of the experiences I've had up until now have prepared me for such a time as this. And the timing of it all is so perfect. Had I entered the job I do now last summer, I wouldn't have grown into my role the way I have. And God knew that. He knew everything that would happen going forward last May on the day that I stood at my college graduation and the chancellor said, "I imagine you're not the same person you were four years ago..." And I know that 3 years from now, I will feel that way again.

I drove my friend Kelly to the airport this morning before the sun rose and after I dropped her off I passed a jumbo jet heading toward the runway. I had a particular song on and I always do this thing where I want something dramatic to happen - like a plane taking off? - right at the best part of the song. I kept rewinding and looking in my rear view mirror for the plane to take off. After a few minutes I didn't understand why the plane hadn't taken off. It was 6:47am and surely that plane was behind schedule because I've booked my fair share of flights, shopping those early 6:00 or 6:30 flights...

And then all of the sudden I looked out my front windshield and there it was, it had taken off and was headed upward. I had missed the take-off because I was so busy looking behind me. And it hit me that I no longer have to look backward - ever. Because I will miss everything that's ahead. Being present in the present.

Sometimes I see the lines on the faces of older folks and wonder what has caused the seasons of change in their life. Every line has a story, a sadness, a joy to be told. Tales of loss, success, dreams realized, and lessons learned. I hope that most of my lines will come from laughing - or at least finding a way to smile through the difficult times.

Every place God has ever taken me has been for my well-being, even when it hasn't always been a smooth ride. Suffering has been promised to me, a concept that I know sounds foolish to most. The path will not always make sense, and what is to come will not always be revealed - but I hold onto this promise:

"In all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." - Romans 8:37-39

Redemption and freedom from trying to do it on my own is the reason for every smile, for every laugh, and for every moment that I stop in the middle of a great conversation with friends and realize that the only thing that matters is the here and now. I refuse to let these moments pass without a grateful heart and a smile on my face. Don't let the moments you can't get back escape without a chance to experience their beauty.

"I think I'm ready to leap, I'm ready to live, I'm ready to go."

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Mascarpone is the New Black

"If the Divine Creator has taken pains to give us delicious and exquisite things to eat, the least we can do is prepare them well and serve them with ceremony."

-Fernand Point


Food. Such a simple necessity, yet it all awaits its discovery.


I spent the better part of February and now early March discovering Denver's finest restaurants and eateries. Colt & Gray, Steuben's, Vine Street Pub, Lala's Wine Bar + Pizzeria, Panzano, and Jelly! - just to name a few.

Chicken apple sausage, made-to-order cinnamon sugar donut holes, bacon grilled cheese, mascarpone-arugula pesto spread, Baked ricotta stuffed rigatoni with red pepper pesto, brown butter gnocchi, peach jelly, chocolate cannolis over black cherry sauce, and Dr. Loosen Riesling. Oh, must I continue? My mouth is starting to water!

A native of San Francisco, you would think I would have tried it all. But I grew up a picky eater - and some people wonder how I've lived.

It's a valid question, and one that I dared myself to challenge in 2011. With all of the exciting things ahead of me in my life, I figured I would add the uncharted territory of food to the mix. And I certainly haven't been disappointed.

When I went off to college in August of 2005, I had only ever tried 5 kinds of fruit: apple, banana, grape, watermelon, and cantaloupe. WHAT? No..ORANGE? Yes, no orange. I have distinct memories of my dad chasing me at half-time during little league soccer games to eat one. NEVAHHHHHH!!!! I was a defiant eater of sorts.

My lack of risk taking (but let's be honest, an orange to most people is not risk) in trying foods is almost humerous when I look at how I take risks in all other areas of my life. I'm not really afraid of the unknown when it comes to anything else - so why food? Perhaps this is a phenomenon I will continue to discover the answer to as I explore the possibilities. The only thing I know right now is that I sniff EVERYTHING I eat, and God gave me an acute sense of smell. What I'm finding is that acute sense makes new flavors unbelievable!

But the common theme I've found each time I dine is that I discover another facet of beauty. And it's not just in the food. It's mostly in the conversations. With friends. With bartenders. With servers. And with strangers. The times I dine alone are the most profound, because every time I do, I meet someone new. I'm more comfortable eating alone and making conversation with the guy serving me than I am eating a mushroom smothered in brown butter sauce. Perhaps there's something strangely beautiful about that.

Being young (almost 24 - eek!) and single, the freedom and possibilities are endless! And I can't say I've minded a few drinks and dinners paid for by strangers either. I swear I don't make conversation for free food, it really is because I want to get to know the person. But surely big curls and mascara help :) I'm kidding!

Just yesterday I was at Vine Street Pub with a friend. We walked around uptown (17th) for 20 mins while we waited for it to open at 4. We walked past my next adventures of il Posto, Thin Man Tavern, St. Mark's Coffeehouse, D Bar Desserts, Strings, Limon, and Pasquini's Pizzeria. We sat at the Vine Street Pub bar and it was there that I discovered the "Create your own Grilled Cheese." Bacon, pesto, mushrooms, avocado, you name it! The bacon grilled cheese on buttered bread paired with green chili chicken enchilada soup.

Mouth. Watering.

Every time I asked our server Andy what he thought about something on the menu, he used an exciting adjective, and said it in a way that made you want to order it. And he did that for EVERYTHING - the hops in the beer, the soup, the burger, the grilled cheese. Fantastic, delicious, amazing - it made me want one of everything.

I topped off my meal with a slice of Quoddy Mousse Pie in a small to-go box with a "to-go fork" - in the words of our adjective-loving server Andy. Dark chocolate cookie crumb crust, a layer of chocolate torte, a layer of chocolate mousse, and topped with white chocolate cream fluff. I ate it while we walked on 17th again so I didn't feel so guilty. We passed by a small boutique called Peppermint, and the only reason why we stopped was because there was the cutest dress on a mannequin outside. I may or may not have purchased it.

But, inside I met Tymla, Stephanie, and her husband Chris who all worked for the same company. Peppermint has a brother store next door for men, and then there is a place called Pandora on 13th near the Capitol building. Over the better part of an hour, we shared stories, laughed, and acquired new revelations about the purpose of the life experiences we've had. And all just for walking through the door. This is what I've loved about my food adventures. Someplace, someone, and something new every single time.

The newness of these adventures hardly leaves room for boredom; routines have no place. The exciting thing about where I am in life right now is I get to decide where I spend my time and with whom I spend it.

And can I just say that I'm having the absolute time of my life?!

I swear I was born for living in the heart of a city downtown!

I know that someday, I'm going to meet that person that shares the same love of adventure. We'll take the risks together. And we're going to have the absolute time of our lives.

Until then, I can't wait to try Crème brûlée.


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If Christians Can't Love Like Jesus, Who Can?

And he has given us this command: Those who love God must also love their brother and sister.
-1 John 4:21

I'm a little torn right now. I've been watching FOX News, which most of you know I watch regularly - and Sean Hannity just had a radical Muslim, Anjem Choudary, as his guest. Oooh, I used the word radical - so not PC.

As you can imagine, the two disagreed as much as humanly possible. Sean Hannity is a self-proclaimed Christian - he just said it on a later segment. So he's a Christian. But here's the thing, after he was done shouting back and forth with Anjem he said this: Alright, well thanks for joining us, you're one sick and twisted S.O.B."

NOTE: to my political critics who say I am a radical conservative, please keep in mind I am criticizing someone I watch regularly on a right of center network.

Hannity's comment really caught me by surprise and really put me off. As a Christian I proclaim the love and sacrifice of Jesus Christ and what that means for my life, and I have a hard time imagining that saying something like that would convey this message. Thoughts?

No one is without fault, especially me. Today while driving to work I was convicted by how I "talk" to other drivers while I'm in my car. I'm glad my own child wasn't in the backseat. Of all the places I spend my time, I curse more behind the wheel of my car than I do in every other place I spend time combined. This is a problem.

First, most of this language stems from the fact that the person in front of me is driving too slow (which is usually the speed limit). I know I've gotten a handful of speeding tickets, but please drive at least 5 over :) So what is it in me that feels the need to yell at the person in front of me for following the law? I use the same words toward them as I do the people who cut me off or worse, almost cause a collision that wouldn't be my fault. So I'm going to get mad because someone is following the law. Makes sense. NOT.

Those same people behind the wheels of their own cars would be people I would flash a smile if I walked by them in the mall. They're the same people I would offer to help carry their groceries to their car. They're the same people I would open a fitting room for at J.Crew. They're the same people I would spend time with at church.

My best friend is a much better drive than me. She drives the speed limit, safely changes lanes, and follows the two-second rule on the freeway 99.9% of the time. Sadly, if I didn't know she was behind the wheel of the car in front of me, I might say some of those nasty things to her. Reality Check 101.

People I work with wouldn't know I do this because I really don't say the F, S, B, and D words. I am being so PC. The kids I volunteered with wouldn't know I do this because I don't say them there either. My mom, who will eventually read this blog, doesn't know that I say F-ing idiot behind the wheel because I don't say it to her or in front of her.

The point is: whether to a person's face or behind their back, what we say matters. It really matters more what we say when no one hears it. God hears it - "even darkness will not be dark to You...for darkness is as light to You." Even in the secret, everything is exposed. I am called to Love my neighbor as myself. I am called to go one step further and be a servant to my neighbor. The "I am third" rule. God first, others second, me third. So what would it look like to serve a stranger who is driving in front of me on I-25? I think it might start with encouragement, as strange as that sounds. I mean, how can you even do that when you don't even know them and you can't even see their face? That's another thing, I glare at people as I pass them after waiting for them to move to the right. Yikes. Talk about being open about my struggles.

Maybe it's praying for that person, for whatever they're going through - that their day would be blessed by the presence of God. I'm pretty sure people can't see the face of Christ as my face frowns and glares at them for being obedient to the Law. (The Bible also addresses obedience to the laws of the government.) Like I said, yikes.

So Sean Hannity vehemently disagreed with his Muslim guest - but I can only imagine that Jesus's words would speak truth in love: That He is the only way to Heaven, that there is nothing that can separate Anjem Choudary from His love, and that He longs to know Anjem intimately because He loves him.

So maybe that is where I should start when I'm behind the wheel of my car.

2011: All Things New

"May you accept the past for what it is. May you celebrate what needs to be celebrated and grieve what needs to be grieved. And then, may you receive from God a new Spirit, one for Here - Now - Today."

-Rob Bell

I have been away from the blogosphere for awhile...but so much has happened that this tug on my heart from God to share can no longer be ignored... A couple weeks ago I was at dinner with my best friend and told her, "I'm one of the most self-reflective people I know." She nodded her head in agreement so hard that the beanie on her head almost fell off :)

It's not that I didn't want to blog, I think it was more that there was so much happening that I almost didn't have time to be reflective. And more so, I believe that the reflection had to reach a culmination before I would be ready to share. It is hard to impart wisdom and learning through struggle when you are just trying to catch your breath. But now that my healing has reached this point, I believe I have much more to share.

Many of you know the events that occured in my life in 2010, more specifically in the second half of the year. And with a greatful heart, I am able to leave those events in the year 2010. I have spent months of praying - even pleading - to just move on. When you give a piece of yourself to another person thinking one day you will be married, no matter what, it is going to hurt for awhile - especially when it meant so much to me. And he knew it. And he still sunk to the lowest level when he addressed that part of it. But I have not forgotten that I am called to forgive, even if I will never forget.

Onward!

On September 11th, I went to Big Brain tattoo a few blocks from my apartment in Omaha and got my first tattoo. It was something I had wanted for so long - the word "Redeemed" on my wrist. On my wrist because that is where Jesus was pierced on the Cross, and the word "Redeemed" because God has had to redeem me from specific things - and more than once. That morning I prayed on the way to work about my tattoo and what verse it was coming from. I had read this verse before but I just couldn't remember the reference. It was a hard morning, and working didn't seem all that appealing - even at J.Crew. Because at that time J.Crew > Gallup x 1,000,000. I went on my break in the afternoon and went to my car. I just cried. My bible was on the passenger seat and I picked it up. I randomly opened it and it landed in Isaiah 43, more specifically to the page where I had underlined verses 18-19. God had made a way for the Israelites out of Egypt and told them not to look back. He addressed his faithfulness in saying that if He can make a way for them, He can make a way through whatever trail you're facing. "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you see it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland."

I had read that verse so many times. So in my stubbornness I just cried harder. I didn't believe it. Here is the thing. I underline EVERYTHING I read that impacts me and put a date by it. So I noticed the page on the right had a few things underlined in Isaiah 44. I started reading in verse 21: "Remember these things, O Jacob, for you are my servant, O Israel. I have made you, you are my servant; O Israel, I will not forget you."

And then verse 22, which only the first part was viewable on the page. "I have swept away your offenses like a cloud, your sins like the morning mist." I turned the page and read, "Return to me, for I have redeemed you." It was dated 4-18-08. I sobbed. That was 3 days before my 21st birthday and I remember so vividly why I had read that verse. I couldn't accept the redemption God was offering me then, and I realized that I wasn't accepting it now. I had prayed earlier that morning for the verse I had read that was the entire basis for the tattoo. And there it was.

He had redeemed my sin.

He had redeemed my brokenness.

He had redeemed my Soul.

It was then that things began to change, however slowly.

Too often, we wait to step forward in faith that healing will come because we feel like we're not ready or that we must have it all together. That somehow, we have to feel better before we can be made better. But Redemption would have never come in the form of the Savior if God had waited for his people down on Earth to get their crap together. And accepting redemption doesn't mean that we feel better overnight. It took me until January 1st, 2011 to reach the end of the healing journey.

A very long story short, my job at Gallup was a terrible fit. I am a people person, a relationship builder, and an encourager. All of these things were lost in my data oriented job. So on October 20th I made the decision to move back to Denver. Talk about swallowing my pride! October 22nd was my last day and on November 1st I moved back home. It was so obvious from the moment I arrived back that this is where I am supposed to be.

I felt ok most of November and in December, but Christmas was hard. Christmas amplifies any and everything you feel - for better or worse. But instead of fighting it, I let it hurt. I remembered that new life had come and that like every struggle I have faced in my life, it too shall pass. A birthday came and went after Christmas, and then it was New Year's Eve. I spent it with a dear friend in my favorite restaurant (surrounded by other friends) and we reflected on all that God had done in the past year. Because as bad as I thought I had it with my struggle, she had it much worse. But instead of spending the night dwelling on what was lost, we celebrated that which had been redeemed. I went to sleep with a grateful heart, knowing that soon I would awake with a renewed Spirit - a Spirit that was able to live in freedom.

And then it happened.

New Year's Day. I woke up and I just felt different.

My soul had moved on. There are no words that could suffice in a novice blog to explain to you what it feels like. It just feels free. New life was HERE.

Christmas has always been my favorite holiday - ALWAYS. Of all my friends, I put up my tree the earliest (on or around October 6th) and start listening to Christmas music the earliest (on or around October 1st). And I am totally ok with it! Because Christmas is about a new birth, a new beginning, freedom and redemption. And this is the story God has written in my own life. In the first chapter of Matthew, the Lord tells Joseph that Mary will give birth to a son and he will be called "Immanuel" which means "God with us." New life was coming and would always be HERE. I went to Denver Community Church on December 12th and the pastor kept saying GOD. IS. HERE. We often say this in the form of a question, "God is here?" Because there are times when it feels like He is nowhere to be found. When we feel Him near we say "God is here." A statement. But Christmas is about a proclamation, "God is here!" We exclaim the new life, the Love everlasting that is here to stay.

For a new beginning, you must let it hurt. You must surrender. And you must know that God loves you more than anything. One of the biggest things I learned in 2010 is that our healing is in God's timing. And God's timing, though not our own, is so perfect. If we deny the hurt, we inhibit the ability of God's Hands to mold and shape us through it. It hurts for a reason. It means you tried for something. It means you were in it. It means you invested love into it. And nobody can tell you when you should move on. Because it is God's timing. And in His time, He has and will always make all things new.

holding steadfast in the unknown

Sometimes, you come across something that says everything you want to say. This article hits so close to home, that I could not have written it better myself. So for today, I will let someone else sing so perfectly the words that are flowing from the depths of my soul...

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/god/deeper-walk/features/22439-finding-god-in-unanswered-questions


"The LORD will fight for you;
you need only to be still."

-- Exodus 14:14

where i come from, rain is a good thing

Tonight my Omaha besties came over and helped me move furniture around since my new couch was delivered. The couch was a honker in my living room. We had to figure out how we were going to get it right, so we labored until perfection. We had a blast, because we added to the mix: me trying on a new dress, trying to figure out which pair of 4" heels would look best, adding new quotes to our quote book, and opening the windows when it started to rain. Orpheum has eight-foot windows against 11-foot walls. It's incredible. So we sat up on the back of the couch and just watched it rain, like three peas in a pod.

They were leaving a little after 11pm to head down to the Foundation which is only 3 blocks from my apt. It was raining and I decided I wanted to walk in it with them down to the bar and then walk back.

We got outside and I immediately took off my flip flops. I've been reading Rob Bell's Velvet Elvis and one of my favorite parts is when it talks about the moments you realize you are standing on holy ground. Moments that you can't do anything but go barefoot because God is there and God is real and the beauty around you calls for your feet to be one with the ground. It's such a beautiful illustration of recognizing God's presence in all things and being humbled by it so much that you just have to take off your shoes.

I walked smack in the middle of Harney St., a one-way street heading due East. I threw my head back and danced. With my flip flops in hand, and spiraled curls twisting more with every drop, I was a child. The bible speaks about faith like a child, and I want that. And I want to enjoy life like a child. Children don't worry about when the next paycheck is coming, where they will go to college, what they will do with their life, or if someone likes them or not. They. Are. Free.

And so this life in Omaha is me - with faith like a child. Taking a leap without knowing when I'll hit the ground. It is the most incredibly awesome ride I have been on in so long. I just feel alive. God has been so faithful in restoring my heart each day that I awake by His grace. It it not happiness - it is joy, and I am peaceful. It is a steady rhythm of grace that flows through my soul despite grieving and confusion and wondering. Life with God is like a scary roller coaster ride, but you get to scream with excitement the entire time.

So I left The Foundation and I walked back in the middle of the street again. This time talking out loud to Jesus. It was a simple prayer, but more just a conversation, like with an old friend.

I said, "Lord, I know You know what I miss when I walk through this rain, but thank You for being bigger than the intensity with which I long for it. Thank you for taking this rain and washing me clean with Your love. Thank you for taking me out of that which I was too weak to move away from by my own strength. Thank You for loving me too much to let me stay where I was. Your love is better than life."

I turned back to look at the stop lights behind me, changing to green from red one by one.

"Lord, I don't want to leave this moment."

I shivered (because I am ALWAYS cold). I laughed out loud,

"Ok, now I do. Thank You that I'm always cold. Someone once told me 'cold hands, warm heart,' and I want that warmth to show others Your love."

I reached my apartment, soaking wet, with the biggest smile from ear to ear. His love really is better than life.

And to Kelly: "This is me appreciating life!"

anybody can quit - that's easy

"This is a good sign - having a broken heart. It means we have tried for something"
-Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat Pray Love

I am beginning this blog at 3:57am.. blogger says 1:57am but it is a LI-AR! The posting times are never right on this thing... Short story with long to follow...counseling this morning, lunch with Patrick at the UP building, work from 1-4pm, dinner at Tanduri Indian Cuisine, Eat Pray Love, conversation at Anne's house until 1:15am, met Kelly and Emily at The Foundation before closing at 2, and then talked in a parking lot a block from my apt until 3. And now I am blogging! The city is so beautifully calm at this hour...

Where to begin?

I tried Indian food for the first time tonight! EVER. EVAH. And I liked it - I loved it. Mint chutney. Meat samosa. And get me some more of that Chicken Tikka Makhani, please! Seriously people, I think I am becoming a foodie - but mostly in the food discovery kind of way. My momma would be proud!

I shared this amazing meal with five extraordinary women who all have their own story to tell. And it was incredible sitting there at times and just listening. I was taking it all in, and then it happened. This thing that happens every once in awhile. You have to be in the moment and be aware enough to recognize it. It happens when you're sitting around a table with a group of people, and you're soaking in the moment, and all the stories, and the laughs, and the hurts, and the dashed hopes, and the new hopes - the moment it hits you that this is life, and we're all going to be okay. It's so real, that you feel the need to close your eyes and burn it into your memory that in that moment, you realized "we're going to make it." And the "what ifs" and the "whys" don't really matter much anymore. Because there is incredible hope in God's promise to restore that which was lost.

For the first time in over 18 months, I am reading my bible daily - and with a completely surrendered soul. With this has come unspeakable joy, despite pain and confusion and loneliness. God has revealed Himself to me in ways I have never experienced, and I can feel the ways in which He is molding my heart. The other day I thought about how God continues to show up in the most unexpected ways and places. But then I posed this question: is it that God is showing up or is it that He is already there and refocusing my eyes to recognize Him in all facets of life? Overwhelmingly, it must be the latter. Because God is Sovereign over all things, and He is omnipresent. And how can my human eyes see His greatness if He has not played a part in helping me see Him? This is what God is changing in me.

I am reading Velvet Elvis again by Rob Bell, and it somehow resonates with me more today than the last two times I read it. The talk about building community, healing by the hand of God, what real restoration of a broken heart looks like; I can't help but feel like I'm living this out each day that I am here in Omaha. Rob Bell said this in the chapter called Healing:

"It is possible to be a good Christian and go to church services and sing the right songs and jump through the right hoops and never let Jesus heal your soul...I am learning that very few people actually live from their heart. Very few live connected with their soul. And those few who do the difficult work, who stare their junk in the face, who get counsel, who let Jesus into all of the rooms in their soul that no one ever goes in, they make a difference. They are coming from such a different place that their voices inevitably get heard above the others. They are pursuing wholeness and peace in Christ, and it's contagious."

Wow.

Have you been there, though? Where you go through the motions and yet your soul is just dying for a drink of water. And the things you try to do satisfy for a fleeting moment but the thirst just lingers. Eventually, you come to a breaking point. And I have experienced that. And now I'm letting Jesus into all the rooms of my soul, and the peace of Christ that transcends all understanding (as talked about in Philippians 4:7) is invading my heart. What good am I to others if I am an empty vessel? Or worse, I've got stuff that I need to stare straight in the face but choose not to deal with it. Yes - broken, fearful, confused people have been used by God to change the world, and that is the point! The process in which He transforms those fears and the brokenness and confusion is what will lead others to Him. And lately, I have found that when I am delighting in the Lord and following His lead for my life, there is joy in the midst of pain. There is laughing in the midst of crying. There is comfort in the midst of longing. And there is SO much to look forward to.

5:14am and I'm ready to wake up again.